5 days, and I already want to leave.  Nothing is going right, everything is pissing me off, and I miss having the freedom to live my life the way I want to.  At this rate, I don’t think I will make it until the 27th before spontaneously combusting into a rage monster. After living by myself for so long, and not having been home for longer than a week in the last two years, having to work on my parent’s timetable, according to how they want me to do things in my life, is so grating, I don’t even think I can stand it.

I love my parents, I love my family, I do, I swear, but after being fairly independent for the last four years, and especially independent the last two, I can’t stand living here for so long, even if it is only a month.

I need my alone time.  I need time to sit in the dark and not have someone question everything I do and don’t do.  I need time to figure out my life, but I don’t get time to do any of that because I am too busy trying to follow someone else’s rules.

This can’t be a unique situation.  I’m sure other people feel like this too, but I honestly don’t know how to deal with it.  My mom comes back from work in an hour or so, and I don’t even want to look at her face, let alone talk to her.  She made me so mad today, invalidating what I had to say and my feelings.  And this isn’t the first time she’s done it to me, even after I have called her out on it.  I don’t actually know how to do deal with her hypocrisy sometimes, especially because if I try to tell her how it makes me feel, I’m the bad guy.  I’m the one who doesn’t listen, it’s my fault for reacting badly, I don’t know how I actually feel.  She’s told me my whole life that I am more emotionally mature than her, and when I try to maturely articulate my position, I am told I’m a child, that I think I know everything, but I don’t, and that I’m the one who is being ridiculous.  Its never, oh maybe you have a point, its always some sort of guilt-trip-y passive aggressive way to tell me that I don’t know anything and I can’t possibly actually know what is best for me.

And then whatever.  She gets to go on with the rest of her day thinking that she is always right and whatever I thought to do was going to hurt me in the long run, while I sit here, rendered completely distraught and totally unproductive, because my own mother felt like insulting my intelligence and invalidating what I had to say based on I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT.

Part of me thinks I should have never come home.